We were actually from our grandparents' place earlier. I've been talking to my aunt over whatsapp and listening to her airing her grievances about a lot of the awful stuff she had to deal with lately but actually seeing how tired her eyes looked and how dark her eye bags are really made my heart crack. I wish I can help her. I wish I can do something. But soon, InsyaAllah. When I'm more independent and can stand on my own.
I have all these plans laid out. And I know I'm supposed to be dead sure but being so inexperience at life had me doubting myself. Can I really do this? Are my dreams too unrealistic? Is this too impossible? What if they're the chosen ones and I'm not? What if I'm just not good enough? What if this is a mistake? What if this isn't worth it? What if I'm just wasting my time? What if I ruin everything? It's like there're all these uncertainties swirling around in my head. And I'm afraid that I'll make another mistake which won't just affect me but also the people supporting me. However, I think this is just part and parcel of being young. You have practically nothing figured out. I asked most of my friends about what they want in life, what are their highest pursuits, what are the dreams that keep them up at night, the goals that they want so bad that they could cry just talking about it, and the only thing they answered me was: "I just want to be happy." "I'm just doing this because it feels right at the moment." "I'm just gonna see where this goes."
"I just want to be happy." That's mind-boggling to me.
Really? That's it? That's the highest pursuit of your entire existence? YOU were chosen to be born and the only thing you want to be is to be happy? That's it?
I mean I don't wanna sound like a douche but isn't that a little... selfish? Not to mention unambitious. And kind of lame.
No offense to the American Dream. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Those stuff are cool and all but happiness is just so... easy.
Class gets cancelled. You're happy. The new episode of GOBLIN comes out. You're happy. BTS releases a new song. You're happy. You get a 50 likes on your picture on instagram. You're happy. Big Apple gives you an extra donut. You're happy. It doesn't take much.
Happiness comes and goes. Life happens and you get frustrated. Then you try to be happy again. SO you keep going after this drug of happiness but it keeps slipping away. It doesn't stay with you.
I don't understand when people say "I just want to be happy." What does that even mean? Nobody is always happy. Allah gave us a huge score of emotions to experience in life. And they're all part of a healthy life. Happiness is just one of them. So if the only thing you have going for in life is happiness then sorry to say, you're probably in for a lot of disappointments. No human is going to be constantly living in a state of happiness. I mean I'm not saying people should be depressed but life is about struggles too, no? When you're studying for finals, you're not happy. When you're driving on the highway for the first time and sweating buckets, you're not happy. When you have to give a speech in Chinese for the first time, you're not happy. When you're working out and you're half-dying, you're NOT happy.
Life can't just be about being happy. "I just want to be happy" is such a cliche thing to say. I mean there HAS to be something you really want in this life. People you want to help. Records you want to break. Impacts you want to make. Excellence you want to achieve. There are endless possibilities. So many things you can do for the society, for your country, for the world. There's gotta be something that resonates deeply within you. Something that makes your heart beat faster just by thinking about it. Something that pushes you to fight through anything just to get it.
I'm not sure if this is an INTJ thing. I've always been ambitious but I never tell people about my goals. I keep them hushed because I get insecure about every little thing. But I have a notebook solely for writing my goals. I'm always drafting and redrafting it. Planning what to do next, which book to get, what talk to attend, who to talk to, what time I should practice what skill. Target, research, plan, execute.
I have this standard that I expect myself to achieve. This level I need to be at by the age of 25. It sounds hardcore to some people but that's just how I'm programmed I guess. Or probably how I was raised. My parents never push me to do anything. But every time I look at my dad, seeing how knowledgeable, how kind, how rational, how compassionate, how patient, how competent, how multilingual he is, it makes me want to work harder. I want to be worthy of being called his daughter. I am his daughter.
And I want to make him the proudest father ever.
Sure, he never ask anything of me but sometimes I just want to give the whole world to him.
Okay, I have a ton more I want to write about but it's 2.57am so I should end this post here. Bottom line is, goals make humans happy. When you have a purpose in life, you'll have this feeling of being so alive, so awake and driven that nothing can bring you down. I don't think I'm in a position to give advice since I myself am still stumbling through life but if there's one thing that I hope you'll get out of this post, it's this: Have a goal in life, a goal so big that it sets your soul on fire
Doesn't matter how old you are. Dreams are age-less.
Good night, guys.