maybe it's a good kind of fear

There was a time in life that I thought people just get married because they don't want to go to hell alone.

That was all I see. So many things that are going so wrong. Every couple, every sin, almost everywhere. Even more than when they were single? Probably. All their neglected responsibilities, anger, foul words, hurt, resentment, tears, cheating, ego. Especially, ego.

And I became terrified, of marriage. Seeing my sister's woes and tears and realizing I'm expected to go into that?

Can't I just be alone? I'll get my mom and dad a nice house, a whole floor for them and a whole floor for me, get my own car, make a cool living working online, take care of my parents, take them travelling, give them the best that I can and pray that I'll die in my sleep or solat when it's time for me to go. That way I won't hurt anyone and nobody will hurt me.

I don't want to write about this. Partly cuz there's still that little tiny part of me that still believ…

First time

Hey guys,
So... Elections are coming up.
I'm constantly on the edge now. Everyone is.

My first time voting and already, they're saying this elections is the Ultimate Turning Point.

I'm nervous. Partly because both my parents are on opposite sides but I guess that's a good thing because I'll have to rely on my own head to figure this whole thing out.

My dad told me something so scary yesterday. I can't say it here because... even typing it out is scary. I guess I'll have to wait for the elections results then to release an official Freak Out post about it.

I'm worried for Malaysia.

For starters, I don't believe anybody. Politics are politics and politicians will say anything that'll sail their boats. I get that. Manifestos, my ass.

Okay, I take that back. Manifestos are great and all but they're not bounded by law so I can choose whether or not to believe it.

I'm jittery and always cross-checking info on international bodies websites. If …

Mariage talk with BFF

I just came back from kak Fatin's blog. And I was just going through a bunch of her older entries and it shocked me to see how... open (?) she is? If you look at her instagram, she's always posting about Islam and Islam and inspiring deep stuff.

But this post -> saranghae-i-love-you-tv9 made me feel like wow!!! In a good way, I mean. Like she was free. She's posing with Korean celebs at... such a close proximity. I mean whoa. As much as I love kpop, I would never even go close to a cardboard version of them. Idk, I'm just.... I really can't. Don't ask me why. hahaha

I mean I remember being so afraid to even type the word 'kpop' on this blog. Even though it was a big part of my life, I felt so embarrassed somehow to like something the Malays stereotype as mengarut. But why do I even care about them? WHY?

I guess its cuz of my experience in SMK back when I was in form 1. Being judged hurts. And I became so self-conscious ever since. They even insulted …

I need to marry next year

I'm so anxious these days. Like something is literally gonna fall from the sky and just smack right on top of me.

My mom and I were talking yesterday. She said she got married at 23. Do you know that coldness that just waterfalls on you as the realization hits? I am 22. F*CK. OH MY GOD. I NEED TO GET MARRIED. I LEGIT FORGOT ABOUT MARRIAGE. SH*T. I mean I don't want a baby when I'm 28 or something. WHAT? NO. NO. NOOOOOOO!!!!

I don't wanna be too tired to raise a child because I want to raise GOOD BABIES, teach them 10 different languages and have love and patience to mold them into awesome people like Adlil Rajiah does with her kid, take them travelling everywhere and experience awesome things. So if I'm going to have babies, 27 is the limit. I did the whole planning in my head.

22 -  build career
23 - meet the guy & marry
24 - chill
25 - first baby
26 - second baby
27 - third baby
28 > - travelling

Is that how it goes?
OH MY GOD. That means.... I have to mar…

In love with the Process

Hey MH fam, Is this gonna be a thing? MH fam? Well why not? It sounds kinda cool. Marshmallow Heart fam! Wooo!Anyways, let's get to the point. I met up with my business family again yesterday. It was awesome, as usual. Learned soooooooooo much. Our mentor wanted to beef up a bunch of stuff he taught us after coming back from his thing in Los Angeles. Btw I wont be revealing who my mentor is anytime soon. I avoided the topic before cuz well... he's pretty out there. Like super high up there but he's humble as hell so I think thats really cool. I just want the content here to be about me and not make it sound as if I'm leeching off from his popularity. This space is for me. MuahahaSo I'm battling with a bunch of internal stuff now after pondering about what he said. My first take-away from his sharing was losing friends. He said: "Nak berjaya kena sedia hilang kawan." My heart dropped when he said that. Cuz my friends... I'm talking about friends I'…

My Bestfriends in Love

I just came back from Sarah's house and I'm really glad I stayed for three days. It's been year since my last sleepover. Her house has been nicely done now after the whole renovation. But I'm kind of bummed that she threw out her queen-sized bed. In its place is a sofa uhh I mean a day bed (As Sarah oh so vehemently corrected me.) I'm 175cm, can you blame me? That thing is like ngam ngam my size so I can't really roll around on it. And my back damn painful weh.

So news flash, Sarah has a crush now. A huge one. I feel like it's Jade all over again. I don't think people really talk about the emotional struggle when one's best friend falls in love. It kind of hurts. I mean okay Sarah is not as bad as Jade. When I sleep over at Jade's, she'd straight up video call her boyfriend and be on it for 4-5 hours and I'll start wondering what am I even doing at her house. Sarah is more to texting at this point. I'm bracing myself for the videocal…

The sickness nobody sympathizes

My friends are slowly coming to me revealing to me that they have depression. One by one. In all honesty, I don't know what to say or do. It makes me feel helpless to just tell them: Get help.

Can I relate to them? Maybe. Once. Or... Idk never?
I think I used to fancy myself having depression but that phase went away pretty quickly. Thanks to my parents. The descriptions of depression seemed to fit what I felt at the time though. Always wanting to die, can't get out of bed, asking why Allah wanted me alive when I didn't ask for it, always thinking I'm worthless, why why why am I here etc. Why am I even writing about it though? Depression is indescribable isn't it? It's like trying to paint this invisible shapeless thing, blindfolded and in the dark. And I can't write about it unless I'm actually in that moment and I feel myself breaking to half. It's not just in your head, it's in every fiber of you. You entire body is pulsating with despair.